then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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