Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
