I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
