she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
