I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
pop tarts are not kleenex
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
