sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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