im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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