I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
