i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
