My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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