I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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