Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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