we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize