just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
