I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
