The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Come see our sink grown plant.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
