Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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