Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
