I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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