i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
