i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize