Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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