What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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