So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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