didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
