Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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