You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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