just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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