It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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