Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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