The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
