We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
