im about as happy as oj after his trial
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
