i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
