How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
