Do you still have your period?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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