i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
