the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
