one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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