There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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