its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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