you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
