If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
