I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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