I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
