Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
