I faked an abortion last night.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
