I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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