he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize