shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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