Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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