Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
