remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
