how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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