I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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