sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
