just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
