They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
