I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
