i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I woke up under a house in Key West
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